Unsolicited Advice: When your need to “help” or “educate” others seems arrogant and condescending to them
Unrequested advice, in most cases, doesn’t work; it only makes you look bad for giving it while making it worse for those receiving it
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| Two women sit indoors, focused on a conversation © Dreamstime | Fizkes |
No matter how noble your intentions are to “help” or “educate” someone about something, you’ll often come across as an arrogant know-it-all if your advice was not asked for.
Your unsolicited advice or unrequested counsel can actually threaten a person’s self-image because it makes them feel less wise of a person and a desire to feel valued and competent.
Ask yourself how often you felt great when someone gave you their advice
when you didn’t ask for it, especially when you think you know better
than them. Similarly, most people don’t want your advice.
“Unsolicited advice is the junk mail of life.”BERNARD WILLIAMS, PHILOSOPHER
People just want you to listen to them (as in hear them out) instead. They want your support, your empathy, your compassion, your understanding. That’s all.
Listen. Empathize. Sympathize. Comfort.
For the most part, these are the only four things you can do (listen, empathize, sympathize, and comfort) for someone who's feeling vulnerable and isn't ready to receive or accept any form of advice.
They just want a shoulder to cry on and/or an ear to listen to them; someone they can talk through their problems and then make decisions on their own.
So, it’s unnecessary to constantly think about what to advise. It’s much better to practice empathetic listening and focus on what’s being said by the other person instead.
Don’t give a word of advice unless it’s asked for. And respect people’s need to be left alone.
“I never give advice unless someone asks me for it. One thing I’ve learned, and possibly the only advice I have to give, is to not be that person giving out unsolicited advice based on your own personal experience.”TAYLOR SWIFT, SINGER
There’s also no need to ask someone whether they need your opinion or whether they just want you to listen without giving advice.
Don’t ask for their permission to give advice, either. They’ll ask for your opinion or advice if they really want it. Asking someone such questions may make that person feel uncomfortable or awkward about saying no to you.
In that scenario, even if they say yes, they could be saying it out of courtesy or just being nice to you. It doesn't necessarily mean they sincerely welcome it.
“Unsolicited advice is like someone singing out of tune. Nobody wants to hear it.”SUE SUTCLIFFE, DIGITAL MARKETING EXPERT
You may also be uninterested in listening to them further if their rejection of your advice offends you. Now you’ve got both of you feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
Avoiding giving bad advice
In most situations, unless it’s a matter of life and death, it’s always best to refrain from giving advice.
In other situations, although if the advice is solicited or welcomed, the advice may come out inappropriate or inaccurate if the person prefers not to reveal certain information to you. It would only make matters worse, and you’ll regret it later if the person blames you for a bad outcome from taking your advice.
Handling rejected advice
Some people will ask for your advice just to get a second opinion. Whether your advice is helpful or not, they’ll still decide later after reviewing it further.
Some will also ask for your advice just to get validation for something they’ve already decided beforehand. If your advice aligns with theirs, they think you’re wise. And if it doesn’t, they think you’re an idiot.
Either way, people are not obligated to accept your advice simply because you gave it or simply because they asked for it. And asking someone back, “Why ask for my advice if you’re not going to use it?” is arrogant, selfish, narcissistic, and toxic.
A young woman and an older woman appear frustrated with each other © Dreamstime | Fizkes
If you get offended by rejections, then don’t give your advice, either. You have your own self-image issues to work on, and it's best that you advise yourself first before giving advice to others.
“But what if my advice is 100% right?”
If you believe, or in fact, your advice is truly 100% correct, you may still want to take some pointers from former President Barack Obama in his speech at the Howard University commencement ceremony below:
“Democracy requires compromise, even when you are 100% right.You can be completely right, and you still are going to have to engage folks who disagree with you.If you think that the only way forward is to be as uncompromising as possible, you will feel good about yourself, you will enjoy a certain moral purity, but you’re not going to get what you want.And if you don’t get what you want long enough, you will eventually think the whole system is rigged. That will lead to more cynicism, less participation, and a downward spiral of more injustice, more anger and more despair.And that’s never been the source of our progress. That’s how we cheat ourselves of progress.”
Giving good advice
After much due diligence, if you still feel a person may benefit from your advice, then always ask them first what they think is best.
Your questions must help guide them on ‘how’ to think instead of ‘what’ to think. Allow them to share their thoughts to lead the way.
Give them the opportunity to voice their concerns and the freedom to decide if they really want your advice. This will help you discuss the problem with them without sounding judgmental or condescending.
Active and focused listening is key to effective communication and problem-solving. If what they say aligns with the advice you wish to give, then you don’t even have to advise any further.
If it doesn’t align with the advice you wish to give, then let it be. Again, wait for them to ask for your advice. The same rule still applies.
And if they still don’t ask for your advice, then tell them you’re there for them anyway, anytime, if they ever need your help, support, and/or advice.
Handling unwanted advice
Now, if you’re on the receiving end of unwelcome advice, your ego may get in the way and activate its automatic self-protective mode, triggering you to react unpleasantly.
When it comes to ego, you must understand what’s happening within you as the recipient of unsolicited advice, because when left unchecked, your ego can hijack your state of mind and turn you into someone or make you say something you’d probably regret later.
So, as hard as it can be, it is crucial to understand and manage your ego because your goal must always be to nurture relationships rather than harm them.
Make a generous assumption (if you're not really sure) that most unsolicited advice is well-meaning and intended to help, even when it may not always be the case. You’re doing this more for yourself than the other person, so if at any point you feel triggered, then…
- Take a deep breath
- Relax
- Stay calm
- Understand the situation, the mental states, and emotions of both parties involved
- Maintain composure
- Smile when appropriate to avoid hostility
- Remain polite
- Be nice, kind, and respectful, yet firm, regardless
Nurturing responses to practice
Tell them you heard what they said. Thank them for sharing their thoughts. Say you will think about it, even if you may or may not. Then, change the subject. Move on.
Two women share a heartfelt hug © Dreamstime | Fizkes
Harmful responses to avoid
Avoid saying anything that would make you sound sarcastic or condescending as well. You don’t want to become the very thing you despise. Lead by example, always.
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