Paulo Coelho quote @ quotlr.com

This wise advice from novelist Paulo Coelho, who once said, “Don’t waste your time with explanations; people only hear what they want to hear,” perfectly echoes a pearl of ancient Stoic wisdom: you can’t control how others see you, but you can control how you see yourself.

As you may or may not know, a Stoic remains calm by understanding and accepting the nature of destructive forces and sees no virtue in reacting with anger or any negative emotion to setbacks, the behavior of others, or circumstances beyond their control.

The Stoics also teach that controlling others’ perceptions is really a waste of time and effort because most people listen or even read something not to understand, but to confirm what they have already decided to accept or believe, while rejecting everything else.

“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.”

EPICTETUS, GREEK STOIC PHILOSOPHER, BORN INTO SLAVERY
 DISCOURSES (BOOK 2, CHAPTER 17)

As such, Stoics advise us to just live honorably without seeking acceptance, approval, and validation from other people.

“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. 
Be one.”

MARCUS AURELIUS, ROMAN EMPEROR, STOIC PHILOSOPHER, MEDITATIONS (BOOK 10, 16)

The illusion of explanation

We imagine that if we just craft the right words, explain clearly enough, and provide all the facts, the other person will get it and change their mind.

But more often than not, explanations fall on deaf ears. Because people’s minds are usually already made up. Their filters, shaped by their emotions, biases, and preconceived notions, control what they want to hear or understand.

So when someone wants to misunderstand you, no explanation will untangle that knot. They will twist your words, dismiss your points, or simply ignore you.

The cost of over-explaining

The urge to repeatedly explain can be exhausting and often futile. You drain your emotional energy trying to reach someone who’s not open to you. You then end up frustrated, resentful, and sometimes humiliated when your sincere efforts are met with indifference or even mockery.

Worse, when you keep explaining, you may look insecure or desperate, as if you’re begging for their acceptance, approval, and validation. That can make people respect and trust you even less.

Know when to let silence speak

This doesn’t mean you should never clarify or stand up for yourself. It just means you should pick your moments wisely. 

Some things to consider in your deep personal thoughts are:

• Is the other person genuinely open to hearing me?
• Am I explaining because it’s really needed, or because I’m afraid of being misunderstood?
• Will my explanation change the outcome, or is it just feeding my own anxiety?

Sometimes the most powerful response is to stop explaining. Let your actions, consistency, and integrity speak for you over time.

They will believe what they want to believe

No matter what you say, some people will just continue believing what they want about you, your motives, and your life. Let them. Just let them be.

Your peace comes not from controlling others’ perceptions but from knowing who you are, living in alignment with your own values, and accepting that not everyone will see you fairly or accurately.

As the Stoics remind us, we can only control our own thoughts and actions, not the thoughts and actions of others.

“You don’t need to justify your ideas to others who won’t understand...”

So the next time you feel the urge to over-explain or defend yourself endlessly, pause. Take a deep breath. Remember: people only hear what they want to hear. So spend your time elsewhere, living well, experiencing the best life you can have, instead of wasting your time explaining yourself unnecessarily.

Your side of the story doesn’t need to be shouted from the rooftops. It only needs to be lived with silent strength from within.

“You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.

You don’t need to spend your energy trying to earn others’ acceptance or waste your time trying to explain yourself.

You don’t need to justify your ideas to others who won’t understand.

Just be you.

Spend your time doing your thing. Spend your energy learning and growing. Pour yourself into your ideas and dreams, and let go of what others are saying.

Because in the end, it doesn’t matter what they think — it only matters what you think.”

NIKKI BANAS, WRITER